Never assume....

A lot has happened since my last post.  A lot I am not sure I wish to share.  I would really REALLY like to figure out how to link my pinterest account to this dang blog.  This year I chose to not revisit Memo's death.  It is just too painful.  Yes another year is gone by since he has been gone.  Zoey girl is doing well.  She is now adventuring out into the outside world.  Inside a horse fence of course.  Fortunately she is not a climber so the 1 acre area works.  She is even hunting.  I had to wash her face the other day as she had blood on her muzzle.... GROSS!  In March we put Spotty down.  I prefer not to go into details but lets just say he was getting old and couldn't get around very well anymore.  I miss him so.  The house is much quieter without him.  But we still hear him bark.  Cindy Lou hears it because she responds back.  Even Dave hears him although he is very reluctant to admit lol.  We have had some health scares with Miss Moo.  Her tummy upsets easy and when gets stress gives herself an ulcer.... bleeding ulcers.  She is good now but please people, always ask the owner if you can give their pets people food.  Never assume.  Every time someone assumes around Moo, it is a $300 visit for me not to mention makes her tummy a little worse. 

Wedding plans are under way for July 12, 2014.  As of this point they are still tentative but will make a final decision by December.  I will explain why later.  We have decided on a rustic casual at a local refurbished barn.  Dave and I talked yesterday and he would like to wear blue jeans with a nice shirt.  Guess I know what my colors are now lol.  Flowers will be done by a local flower farmer and we will have the most eloquent pig roast.  Yes another request of Dave's.  After all, it is his wedding too :).  Fortunately for those attending who wish not to eat pig there will be plenty of other good eats.  I feel we have pinned down a photographer, but now are looking at music.  Dave would like a piano man but I would prefer a live band.  We have a little bit of time but I think that will be my next decision to make or research to do rather. 

I had a new nephew born in December of 2012.  My little chicken nugget will be 1 this year!  I can't believe it.  He is total boy and gets into everything... I love it!  He gets along well with his big brother who just entered kindergarten.  The transition went so well with the exception of being exhausted after school.  I chalk it up to keeping him in a learning and social environment since he was 2 or 3 months.  The baby is doing the same and is more advanced than others his age because of the good choices my brother and wife made.  Keep in mind, what works for them, may not work for other families... don't mean to offend anyone.  But if this is something you can do, I highly recommend it.  Even from a psychological perspective.  It truly is best for the child to be in an social environment and not secluded daily from other kids.  This is a topic for another day so I will get off my horse now.  :) 

So with talking about the new ones coming into the family, I have been working on that for 2 years.  I am reluctant to speak too much about it.  Not many know.  My concern is that people will constantly hound me about what is going on.  I have told a few people and every so often I get, "are you pregnant yet?  Everyone I know is pregnant...what about you?"  Seriously?  I have begun to refrain to speaking about it because if you are not in the situation you just don't understand.  I got pretty tired of having to explain and people trying to tell me to relax and thinking I was obsessing.  That is the most offensive thing one could really have to deal with.  I truly want to tell all of them to fuck-off, you are not in my shoes, you have no idea what it is like to go through what I have.  I even talked to Elizabeth about this, who is sooooo validating by the way.  She said there is nothing wrong with having those feelings of irritation and who are they to keep asking or tell you not to make it a big deal.  She even dropped the F bomb herself when I was telling her.  Cracked me up! This lady is like 75 years old!  So instead I politely told them to back off without dropping the F bomb.  No one had any bad intentions.  I just allow those comments and questions to put me in a uncomfortable and unsafe place to discuss my feelings and events surrounding the issues enhancing the anxiety 10 fold!  And yes it is not their fault, it is mine.  I accept responsibility for allowing myself to fall into that dark place.  Besides, it was my bad for sharing.  How could I even expect them to understand really.  On both sides, it was just another set of assumptions people thought was ok.  I have done the same thing.  I am no angel and this process has taught me to watch my tongue in more way than one  It is not been pretty and for those who I have offended, again I am sorry.  But life is about learning and sometimes people hurt others by mistake and most learn from them.  Since then, my world has been a much nicer place and I chose to share my challenges with those who are dealing with the same things. It is such a small world.  So many around me have dealt with infertility and I had no idea.  Talking about it did have its perks.  I found out some of may family and friends had similar issues.  Some other time I will go into details of the journey but not today.  Lets just say, our persistence will pay off sooner than later and of course will probably happen smack dab in the middle of the wedding which is totally ok... not a bad reason to keep you wedding date tentative aye?

Another assumption this year that I made poorly was that after our fall family picnic last year I didn't think twice about seeing family and friends again.  Somehow I didn't get to say goodbye to Uncle Jack.  We just missed each other.  It happens all the time, no big deal right?  You will see them again.  I never got to see Uncle Jack again.  Once again, it happened.  Just like other family members.  My mother, Aunt Jill, my friends Senor, Danny, Adam, and more than I care to mention.  God reached down and grabbed my God-Father like the others.  Like it was nobody's business.  This really was the saddest part of the year.  I don't even know what to say really about death.  Life is the most dangerous assumption one can ever make and never one moment should be taken for granted.  In my head I hear Uncle Jack saying "Shelly, don't you let those people pester you about having a family because it will come.  In your own time it will come."  The funny thing is, I can actually hear his voice.  A very distinct voice he had.  I can't even hear my mothers that clear.  BTW... is was the only one who was allowed to call me "Shelly".  :)  A few years back he forewarned me about a guy I went on a date with.  He knew that particular guy didn't want a family.  Lets say we didn't go on another date.  He knew how important it was to me.  Thanks Uncle Jack for backing me up!  Love you!

I'd do ANYTHING... for you Dear ANYTHING!

I was kind of dreading this day.  Where to begin?  So a year ago this morning at approximately 6:00 am I woke to find my love laying across my legs as usual.  I nudged him and said, "Come on Meemie...its chow time"..... nothing.  I picked up his left paw and I went into immediate panic mode as he was already in state of rigor.  He must have passed away at least 3 hours earlier.... and I didn't know.  I can't believe I didn't know!  I did hear some noises in the middle of the night, the normal fur ball sound but I fell back asleep.  How dreadful.... and how horrible for me to not see my sweet boy off? 

Nothing every really prepares you for this sad part of life.  This is the real shitty part of life if you ask me.  We as human beings have so much attachment to our physical selves that it is hard for us to comprehend there is eternity and our loved ones waiting for us on the other side.  And yes, they WILL be there when you arrive but it is still almost unfathomable.  We don't get it.  We have built up so much resistance to the spirit world as adults and it does us so much more harm than good.  Did you ever stop and think why children AND animals have virtually have no resistance and are mostly happy all the time?  They are closer to the other-side than we are and this is why they easily talk to spirits.  Only a few years ago they were brought into the world and still have the connection to heaven where they came from.  Unfortunately as we grow, our focus changes to what we call reality.  Reality is not real... as a matter of fact it is a freaking brick wall!  How dreadful that we do this to ourselves when we could be happily in the vortex (as Abraham calls it) while we are in our physical bodies.

So, I really don't know what is worse, knowing someone you love is going to leave very shortly or having them ripped from your soul...seems like a double edged sword.  In a way I suppose the later is better but then you really don't get to say a goodbye in the physical.  In the days following Elmo's passing I noticed shadows of him moving through the halls.  I heard him meow and I felt him rub my face.  Oh my sweet boy, what I wouldn't give to have you back.  I am sooooo ugly crying as I write this.

So I struggled so badly with his passing.  I had so many regrets.... so many things I would have done differently.  I ended up reaching out to an animal communicator.  Her name was Sherry (http://www.spiritpaws.com) and I she was so helpful.  She also recommended I journal about my spirit interactions with Elmo and others of course.  As a matter of fact I just found it!  I will have to write in it tonight.  So she went on to tell me how "chatty" he was.  He would talk to me all the time!  I swear I had conversations with him and he would answer me back! LOL  She told me his heart was enlarged and he knew his heart would skip a beat every so often.  He said "I wasn't put together right".  She told me how his passing was peaceful with no pain (I think this is a topic we may have touched on before but i will be sure to incorporate a standalone post on this.  When the spirit knows its time, it just scoots out and this is why there is no pain so it was nice to hear this confirmation once again).  She said that he said "one minute I was here and next I was gone".  Again, good confirmation.  She said he desperately did not want to leave me but his body wouldn't allow him to stay.

Elmo said that he would have done anything for me and any time he was being bold he was trying to make me laugh.  I guess he thought he was a clown.  Hindsight says yes he was... a class clown.  I had to keep a squirt bottle in my bed because he would come swat my face to wake up!  TURD!  So Sherry went on to tell me that the furball sounds were not from Elmo but from Zoey.  He kept saying the passing was peaceful so she is pretty sure those weren't from him.  She said he was very proud to be a big orange cat and that he was creative as he was painting as he was talking to her.  You don't have to tell me twice that he was creative.  He killed 3 birds in my house and he was NOT an outside cat!  How did he get those birds inside the house if he wasn't outside at all????  Maybe he was selling them bird seed!?!?

So as of right now Meemie is very excited that he can cross the rainbow bridge and come back at any time he wishes.  We all know how he desperately wanted outside.  He also wanted me to know that he knows we are sad but he is ok and is with us.  He said how Zoey can still see him but that it is different.  She doesn't understand why he can't be there.  She actually asks him "why can't you be here?"  He was her protector after all.

So the morning of Elmo's passing I saw him running down the hall after Zoey and heard him also meow.  Almost everyday we caught glimpses and heard him.  Even Cindy Lou Who heard him and was looking all over for him.  She was like what the??????? lol.  Last time I journaled I saw him sitting in the window.  But then I stopped.  I have to start back up.  We got so caught up with the move that I was distracted.  The move I was so worried about.  I wanted to make sure he would follow and Sherry said he would.  Ha..... as we speak I can feel him snuggling my neck.  Anyhow, one night in bed, I felt him snuggle up to me but close to my face and neck.  Sometimes he would share a pillow with me.  I was so relieved.

So here we sit, without our love.  The pic above was taken a few hours later after we washed the bedding and such.  Zoey watched over the spot  where he earned his wings for days on end.  She is much better now.  We asked him to help her through the transition.  So now what?  Now, we are still trying to get Zoey into her new normal.  I think I am still trying to find that.  Next week I am off on vacation.  maybe we can work on making her room pretty...ya that will make us feel better.  Maybe Meemie will join in on the festivities?

What a freaking character he was AND still is!!!!!!  I love you my sweet boy!  So much!

Zoey Girl

So today I came up to feed Zoey and everything seemed to be a normal day.  This pic was taken before I sold my house.  I think she misses it.  I kinda do to but I now have a massive upgrade.  Anywhoooo so she ate her food a little bit and ran into the bathroom in the hall and just meowed.  Very odd.  Normally she stays in the room with me while I am having coffee and doing morning computer stuff.  I went back in the bathroom to brush her and she seemed to like it but didn't follow me back into her bedroom.  I decided to pick her up and bring her into her bedroom and she seemed afraid of me.  I brushed her, and she didn't enjoy it like normal.  She then hid under a table and looked at me with big eyes as if she didn't recognize me.

 It has almost been a year since we lost Elmo.  Poor man.  On that bed above almost in that exact position I found him.  He passed in bed with me.  So with that, I worry about Zoey and her actions today.  She is obviously not feeling well.  Elmo never gave me a sign... he just left.  I don't know what is better, to have notice of something impending or for them to just leave. Daniel just told me she was in the bathroom about 3:00 am too.I guess we will have to wait and see how she is this evening.  FEEL BETTER ZOEY GIRL!