So much to do RANT

So I haven't posted since we sent our sweet Zoey on her journey. I still feel her fur in my face. Her ashes sit next to me as we speak. But I have been engrossing myself in the Hop Yard. Was there all week long. We have already been diagnosed with downy mildew. I'm so upset by that. This could be catastrophic but hopefully we can get it under control. In the past, the yard wasn't treated regularly for downy and for that you really need to take a proactive approach. We should have been treating since the first green but didn't.  I really feel like I need to do this myself if I want it done but I have a full time job.

This past week I took the week off to tend to the yard.  It was great.  I could really do this full time which is making me think what can I do to improve our money situation.  First, the debt snowball needs to happen.  It has been perpetually happening for years with not much headway.  I am toying around with the idea of posting some books on kindle and also enhancing Pooter's Cache on amazon.  I thought we could use this as a supplemental income.  Get that snowball rolling.  I swear DH thinks that he can live for free.  He gets anxious every time I ask for money but he needs to cough up the dough and contribute his portion.

I plan to delegate the writing of my first book which will focus on my infertility journey.  Some of which you have heard about here.  I also thought I would write about my dating book, alcoholism, and schizophrenia.  So I have a few ideas brewing.  I want to post the author as a fictitious name.   Do you think I can call the author "Pooter's Cache" or maybe Pooter can be the first name and need to come up with a last name?  Let me know your thoughts. I want to use the fictitious name so I can keep the author name consistent and build a brand.

Another thing I am working on is building the store on amazon.  First product is a charcoal sponge.  I just received a sample that I can private label.  I have to say I like it.  You can use any cleanser with it.  The sponge is actually soft.  I also created a logo to support these products.

Some people are doing these few things and supporting their house hold in just a short few months.  It may take me a bit longer than that but how much fun would that be to get rid of the stupid loans, pay the house and be debt free.  DH would feel much better about money.   I am not really telling him about all this as he will have some stupid comments I am sure.  I am just gonna do it!  I'm kinda excited.  As i was tending to the yard this week I had all kinds of you tube videos playing in my tool belt.  Its always fun to have goals to look forward to isn't it?  Things just can't happen fast enough though.  I want it, and I want it now!  It's making me slightly nuts lol.

Back to Zoey.  I do miss her.  I have put a plug in DH's ear that I want another old lady kitty for upstairs.  He threatened to leave me lol.  I still have not cleaned her litter box.  I don't have it in me to do it.  I have always had a kitty in my office while I work.  I was so lonely last week without her.  I loved her sweet personality.  She was still bad ass but she was my girl.  Life will never be the same.  But really is it ever?

The begining of the end???? I don't think so!

So much has happened.  It has been a few years since my last post.  I was so passionate about getting this blog up and running but life caught up with me.  I will definitely circle back on the past few years where our beautiful son was born, our beloved Bentley died and we bought a hop yard.  Talk about opposite ends of the spectrum.  So here we are, fast forward a couple years.  February 25, 2017 where we fight for the life of our precious Zoey girl whom you have seen featured in past posts.

Here she is on day one of transitioning to a raw diet.  On Feb 7 I brought her in for a holistic vet visit as i found a mass under her jaw.  I suspected the worst and I have had too much experience and common sense about this.  Blood work came back and no sign of infection which confirmed my suspicions.  Friday February 10, she had a biopsy.  February 14 we received the news is was a fibrous sarcoma.... the very aggressive kind.  Since then, we have been on the mad dash to figure out how to treat.  I don't feel it is very humane to put her through chemo, radiation or further surgery.  I would only be doing it to satisfy my own angst.  The doc had the option to remove the mass during biopsy but felt it was too risky.

Over the past 10 days I have spend quite a bit of money and time figuring out the proper diet for her.  Kibble is out of the question now.  Carbs feed the cancer.  I am seeing great results around the ketogenic diet where there is zero carbs, high fat and lower protein.  I spent so much time looking for a canned food that she may like.  I found one but she doesn't eat it like her fancy feast which still has 1% carbs.  A few professionals told me if anything is going to save her it is strictly a raw diet not canned.  I tried a processed raw early on but she didn't touch it.  I also didn't try to transition her. Fast forward to yesterday, look at her eat raw mixed with her Fancy Feast (transition).  One of the workers at Benson's graciously helped me with how to transition and even gave some dried raw as treats to sprinkle on top.  She freaking gobbled it down.  So now we transition to just raw over the next few days and wait.  I feel like something has happened over the past week because I can now feel her jaw bone and I couldn't before but that may be a result of the surgery.

We have circled round and round about surgery but I really don't want a mess of a cat when all is said and done.  She still has really good quality of life still.  I can't do this again after Bentley.  I really hope this is works.  It has too!  Stay tuned.

I'd do ANYTHING... for you Dear ANYTHING!

I was kind of dreading this day.  Where to begin?  So a year ago this morning at approximately 6:00 am I woke to find my love laying across my legs as usual.  I nudged him and said, "Come on Meemie...its chow time"..... nothing.  I picked up his left paw and I went into immediate panic mode as he was already in state of rigor.  He must have passed away at least 3 hours earlier.... and I didn't know.  I can't believe I didn't know!  I did hear some noises in the middle of the night, the normal fur ball sound but I fell back asleep.  How dreadful.... and how horrible for me to not see my sweet boy off? 

Nothing every really prepares you for this sad part of life.  This is the real shitty part of life if you ask me.  We as human beings have so much attachment to our physical selves that it is hard for us to comprehend there is eternity and our loved ones waiting for us on the other side.  And yes, they WILL be there when you arrive but it is still almost unfathomable.  We don't get it.  We have built up so much resistance to the spirit world as adults and it does us so much more harm than good.  Did you ever stop and think why children AND animals have virtually have no resistance and are mostly happy all the time?  They are closer to the other-side than we are and this is why they easily talk to spirits.  Only a few years ago they were brought into the world and still have the connection to heaven where they came from.  Unfortunately as we grow, our focus changes to what we call reality.  Reality is not real... as a matter of fact it is a freaking brick wall!  How dreadful that we do this to ourselves when we could be happily in the vortex (as Abraham calls it) while we are in our physical bodies.

So, I really don't know what is worse, knowing someone you love is going to leave very shortly or having them ripped from your soul...seems like a double edged sword.  In a way I suppose the later is better but then you really don't get to say a goodbye in the physical.  In the days following Elmo's passing I noticed shadows of him moving through the halls.  I heard him meow and I felt him rub my face.  Oh my sweet boy, what I wouldn't give to have you back.  I am sooooo ugly crying as I write this.

So I struggled so badly with his passing.  I had so many regrets.... so many things I would have done differently.  I ended up reaching out to an animal communicator.  Her name was Sherry (http://www.spiritpaws.com) and I she was so helpful.  She also recommended I journal about my spirit interactions with Elmo and others of course.  As a matter of fact I just found it!  I will have to write in it tonight.  So she went on to tell me how "chatty" he was.  He would talk to me all the time!  I swear I had conversations with him and he would answer me back! LOL  She told me his heart was enlarged and he knew his heart would skip a beat every so often.  He said "I wasn't put together right".  She told me how his passing was peaceful with no pain (I think this is a topic we may have touched on before but i will be sure to incorporate a standalone post on this.  When the spirit knows its time, it just scoots out and this is why there is no pain so it was nice to hear this confirmation once again).  She said that he said "one minute I was here and next I was gone".  Again, good confirmation.  She said he desperately did not want to leave me but his body wouldn't allow him to stay.

Elmo said that he would have done anything for me and any time he was being bold he was trying to make me laugh.  I guess he thought he was a clown.  Hindsight says yes he was... a class clown.  I had to keep a squirt bottle in my bed because he would come swat my face to wake up!  TURD!  So Sherry went on to tell me that the furball sounds were not from Elmo but from Zoey.  He kept saying the passing was peaceful so she is pretty sure those weren't from him.  She said he was very proud to be a big orange cat and that he was creative as he was painting as he was talking to her.  You don't have to tell me twice that he was creative.  He killed 3 birds in my house and he was NOT an outside cat!  How did he get those birds inside the house if he wasn't outside at all????  Maybe he was selling them bird seed!?!?

So as of right now Meemie is very excited that he can cross the rainbow bridge and come back at any time he wishes.  We all know how he desperately wanted outside.  He also wanted me to know that he knows we are sad but he is ok and is with us.  He said how Zoey can still see him but that it is different.  She doesn't understand why he can't be there.  She actually asks him "why can't you be here?"  He was her protector after all.

So the morning of Elmo's passing I saw him running down the hall after Zoey and heard him also meow.  Almost everyday we caught glimpses and heard him.  Even Cindy Lou Who heard him and was looking all over for him.  She was like what the??????? lol.  Last time I journaled I saw him sitting in the window.  But then I stopped.  I have to start back up.  We got so caught up with the move that I was distracted.  The move I was so worried about.  I wanted to make sure he would follow and Sherry said he would.  Ha..... as we speak I can feel him snuggling my neck.  Anyhow, one night in bed, I felt him snuggle up to me but close to my face and neck.  Sometimes he would share a pillow with me.  I was so relieved.

So here we sit, without our love.  The pic above was taken a few hours later after we washed the bedding and such.  Zoey watched over the spot  where he earned his wings for days on end.  She is much better now.  We asked him to help her through the transition.  So now what?  Now, we are still trying to get Zoey into her new normal.  I think I am still trying to find that.  Next week I am off on vacation.  maybe we can work on making her room pretty...ya that will make us feel better.  Maybe Meemie will join in on the festivities?

What a freaking character he was AND still is!!!!!!  I love you my sweet boy!  So much!